Another of Sháinne’s unique reviews of the papers, in this original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is my occasional look at what’s happening under the sheets of YOUR newspapers this morning. This bulletin is sponsored by Lidl. Visit your local discount supermarket next Wednesday or Thursday to claim your FREE trolley rental. Terms and conditions apply, and include a non-refundable €1 deposit. Theft will be frowned upon. Excludes Lidl stores.

The Sunday Business Post reports that Ireland’s Fire Service is to be privatized, as mandated by the conditions of the recent EU bailout. Meters will be installed at every home and business in the country by 2016. However, competitors will be allowed to enter the market, and customers will be able to access substantial discounts for purchasing firefighting services, water and home insurance from the same provider.

Celeb news now, and The Irish Independent says Professor Stephen Hawking is to become the first quadriplegic to experience independent belching, The renowned astro-physicist has been invited by Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic to spend an afternoon in a specially equipped training simulator. In the same newspaper, there’s a thirty-eight page pullout supplement about women or something.

Music magazine Hot Press leads with an editorial welcoming the decision to fill the two remaining vacant “X-Factor” mentor positions with retired High Court judges. Critics have slammed the move, pointing out that it’s their job to criticize everything, regardless of whether or not it makes sense. And The Herald marks the twentieth anniversary of Kurt Kobain’s death with a selection of digitally aged mug-shots of the Nirvana frontman, who apparently is still being sought by a fictional TV version of the FBI. My husband has been binge-watching “Criminal Minds”.

The Irish Times has announced an end to the practice of publishing “open letters” to public officials on matters of public interest. The newspaper points out that, contrary to common misconception, the two-pence discount on unsealed envelopes and postcards was abolished several years ago, and it sees no benefit for it’s contributors in continuing to waive their right to privacy.

Meanwhile Rupert Murdoch’s The Times of London has announced that it’s print edition is to be moved behind a paywall. Readers will be able to preview the content by reading the front page, which will be displayed on boards outside newsagents, but will have to purchase the newspaper if they want to read further. A “plus one” edition of each newspaper will also be available at a reduced rate, a day after initial publication.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, the voice of the newspapers. Don’t forget to join me tonight on The Food Network, for a brand new episode of Shainne’s Celebrity Chef Shootout. And in my column in tomorrow’s Woman’s Weekly I’ll reveal why nobody ever thought to name me Sháinne Gruaige.

But for now, a very good morning to you.

Notes for foreigners: “Gruaige” is Irish for “hair”. And “Lidl” is Irish for “This country has turned into a steaming sewer and I’m applying for a job with “Russia Today”.

Another of Sháinne’s inimitable newspaper reviews, in this original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments.

Hello. I’m Sháinne Greoige with an eyewitness report on the content of this morning’s newspapers.

We begin with today’s edition of The Star, which reports that Dublin firefighters have been forced to issue an apology, after failing to attend the scene where a cat was stuck in a tree. The incident was given low priority because it was “not part of the fire brigade’s core activity”. However, it has since emerged that both the tree and the cat were on fire.
The ISPCA has declined to comment, saying that firefighters and cats are “a law unto themselves”. A spokesperson went on to say that this “does not count as a comment”, and that “Neither does this”. 

The Examiner’s front page headline reads “Abolish One-Way Streets or lose your bailout, screams EU Finance Chief“. There’s also a striking colour photo of a child building a sandcastle out of snow, with the caption “That’s it. That’s all the Summer you’re getting.”.

Meanwhile, the UK version of the Irish edition of The Times of London goes with “Public Water Supply to become Fully Isontonic by 2018”.

The Sunday Business Post has an in-depth interview with Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary, a week after the budget airline revealed plans to charge passengers a “transportation fee” for travelling on it’s aircraft. A characteristically outspoken O’Leary slams what he calls “Ryanair culture”, whereby people are happy to fork out their hard-earned cash to pay supplementary charges for sandwiches, in-flight-entertainment and extra luggage that isn’t even theirs, but balk at the prospect of paying just to travel somewhere on what he calls “magical flying horses and carriages which, in previous civilisations, would have been worshipped as gods”.

The Daily Mirror reveals that Irish boy band Westlife are to be split into five spinoff groups. Manager Louis Walsh hopes that the move, inspired by the reproductive system of the Amoeba, will spawn the growth of five fully-developed Westlifes.

The paper also reports that Pope Francis is about to publish his first encyclical, in which he will call for a return to traditional values of pounds, shillings and pence.

The Irish Independent, meanwhile, reports that bus drivers are once again threatening all-out strike action. This time the dispute revolves around an alleged “dirty tricks campaign” by public transport management. The union claims that rear view mirrors are being surrepticiously replaced with hall-of-mirrors-style trick glass, in an attempt to erode drivers’ self esteem.
The Minister for Transport has expressed “deep disappointment” at the state of the world in general. 

The Herald, (formerly the Evening Herald), has announced plans for “Herald +1”, making out-of-date editions of the newspaper available the following day at a reduced price. Journalists at the paper have slammed the move, branding it “a step backwards”.

In other newsprint industry news, today’s Irish Times leads with a front-page editorial about yesterdays Irish Times, which contained a scathing report alleging that there’s a culture of wastage and duplication of work at the Irish Times. The newspaper strenuously denies the charges. Meanwhile, free tabloid Metro AM has indicated that it intends to publish it’s entire newspaper on billboards every morning in high population areas. 

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that’s what the newspapers would look like today, if you were to purchase an abridged audiobook edition of each one.

Don’t forget to join me tonight on television, for Sháinne Spouts, when I’ll be asking whether illegal drugs should be banned. But for now, a very good evening to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments. This time, Sháinne’s unique newspaper review.

Hello. I’m podcasting’s Sháinne Greoige with a look at today’s newspapers, to save you from having to read them online. 

We begin this morning with The Irish Catholic, which announces that it plans to rebrand as The Irish Catholics if the latest circulation figures, due out tomorrow, confirm it’s acquisition of a second reader. The Sunday Business Post reports that the European Union is planning to force governments to implement a blanket ban, meaning in future stores will only be able to sell duvets and under-sheets. It’s thought that the measure will reduce carbon emissions from the Magdelane laundries or something. 

Metro AM has the touching story of Hairy the cat, who came home after been missing for over twenty-five years only to find that his owners had been brutally murdered in their beds in the late nineteen-nineties. Police archeologists are carrying out a post-mortem on the bodies, which are believed to have been found in an advanced state of fossilisation. The ISPCA is quoted as saying that this is a timely reminder to check on your neighbours’ pets during the current extended cold snap. However, the newspaper goes on to assure readers that Hairy has been placed in the care of a foster family, and is doing fine.

The Irish Daily Mirror reports that the two tourists killed in a freak defrosting accident at the weekend have been named, and will be posthumously christened later in the month before being deported, while The Irish Times celebrates the fiftieth anniversary of it’s famous cryptic crossword with a front page edition of the popular puzzle, whose clues which, when solved, reveal the main news headlines of the day. 

Later editions of the Sky Sports News Channel (Print Edition) carry this morning’s announcement that gamesmanship is to become a fully fledged Olympics event, starting with the 2016 summer games. Meanwhile The Irish Daily Funday Sun alleges that Pope Francis has resorted to using blessed wine to remove his predecessor’s drool from the papal apartment. And The Irish Motorist devotes it’s entire front page to the caption “SPOILER ALERT”, with an explanation on page two that the publication has brokered a major sponsorship deal with DC Exhausts. 

Finally, the Farmers Journal leads with the news that farmers are being advised to pre-season and taste their cows before sending them for slaughter, to increase their chances of breeding a winning Masterchef dish.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that’s what the newspapers look like today, if you have them summarised and read to you by a seasoned newscaster with a first class honours degree in broadcast journalism from the university of life. Don’t forget to join me tonight for Shainne Greoige on Television, when I’ll be asking a panel of commentators whether media nasal-gazing is getting out of hand. That’s Sháinne Greoige on Television, tonight at 10pm on Radio One.

But for now, a very good evening to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news, the whole news and nothing but the news.

And lots more.

It’s been announced that two government-rescued banks are to pull out of Internet banking in Athy, with immediate effect. The cost-saving measure means customers in the town who attempt to access the websites of Permanent TSB and EBS, will instead be diverted to Lidl Ireland’s “Super Saturday Deals” page. The national bank regulatory body has advised anybody in Athy who still has savings to keep quiet about it and just export their account information to Paypal or something.

German discount retailer Aldi has denied allegations that it’s tinned sardines and mackeral suck monkeynuts, after a local podcaster’s wife reported that four out of six of her cats shunned it as a treat, even going so far as to scrape the floor beside the product in the internationally-recognised symbol for “This is faeces and I want to bury it”.

Now it’s time for our first look at tomorrow morning’s newspapers, starting with The Irish Times, which leads with a report that newly-installed Pope Francis has shunned the traditional mass wine in favour of blackcurrent flavoured concentrated squash, in an attempt to reach out to younger Christians.

The Irish Examiner goes with the news that the government is secretly planning to tax oxygen, while the Irish Super Soaraway Saturday Sun devotes it’s entire front page to a spectacular photograph of the sun, in tribute to a young local photographer who is now blind.

Finally, the Irish Independent leads with a giant smudge, followed by an unprecedented front page editorial slamming what it calls “declining standards in the print industry”.

Business news now, and Athy Town Council has invited submissions of sponsorship proposals for the town’s new roundabout. It’s hoped that entrepreneurs will relish the opportunity to have their brands associated with the unique lanscaped junction at the North end of the town, which is believed to be the Hemisphere’s only counter-clockwise roundabout.

Meanwhile, local councillers have expressed concern at the revelation that the towns’s long-awaited “relief road”, which was finally announced last year, will run along the western seaboard of the country, and only pass within a hundred and thirty miles of Athy town. Defending the proposals, planners have explained that the whole point of a “by-pass” road is to take the traffic as far away from the town centre as physically possible. Meanwhile, Athy Weekly World News can reveal that a much hyped “deep tunnel”, currently being constructed several thousand miles underground and with zero funding from the Irish government, is in fact being built by Australia.

Weather news now, and it’s going to be bitterly cold and wet this week, so don’t forget to bring a brolly, and wrap up well in a coat and hat and gloves and trousers and socks and shoes and aluminium foil, and don’t forget your lunchbox and some Strepsils. For up-to-the-minute weather reports for YOUR local road, please call the number on your iPod screen. Calls cost money. But then, so does cat food. Such is life.

Finally, it’s time for this year’s Athy Weekly World News with Sháinne Greoige Annual April Fool’s Day spoof story, in association with Athy Joke Shop. Local horse breeders are in crisis after the recent withdrawal of several contracts with major supermarkets. That’s according to a fictional statement by the town’s Chamber of Commerce, which, in a press release entitled “This Might Make a Good April Fool’s Story for You Shátnne”, urged the town’s residents to “shop local”, saying the county’s horsemeat is among the best in Europe. And that was this year’s April Fool’s story, brought to you by Athy Joke Shop. Call in before April 2nd and get a free car when you spend fifteen euros or more on cheap plastic crap or fake vomit.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and now you’re completely up to date, unless of course you’re listening to this belatedly on a podcast or something. Don’t forget to join me tonight on the E3 Extra Plus channel for Sháinne’s Nine O’Clock News After-Party, when I’ll be getting VIP behind-the-scenes access to the REAL stories behind the main evening news programme. With Nicky from Westlife. But for now, a very good evening to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news, the whole news, and nothing but the news. Plus weather, traffic, sports and celebrity births.

Kildare’s Libraries Czar has today published legislation which, if enacted, will lead to a fifteen percent “illiteracy tax” on the borrowing of so-called “audio-books” from county libraries. It’s believed the move was influenced by New York City’s recent implementation of a “fat tax” on sugary drinks. Opposition councillors have slammed the proposal, saying it appears to have been written in very legalistic language, and is difficult to understand.

Local consumer groups have launched an attack on Ireland’s Gas and Electricity providers. It’s being claimed that the utility companies are intentionally choosing colder days to visit customers for meter readings, leading to unfairly high heating bills. The industry’s independent regulator has responded by warmly welcoming the earlier proposal for a literacy tax,.

A group of local students has won third place in this year’s Young Scientist Awards, after proving once and for all that so-called “Empty Nest Syndrome” is a misnomer. The students spent a month studying a pair of elderly sparrows, whose children have all grown up and moved to their own nests, or been eaten by cats. The scholars observed that the nest was never empty, except when the parents were out and about.

Athy Town Council has announced that it is to increase, by thirty per-cent, the length  of the gaps in dotted white lines, in an attempt to cut costs. Motoring groups have slammed the move, claiming that smaller modern electric cars are already slipping through to the wrong side of the road, putting lives at risk.

In weather, it’s just been announced that Athy’s oldest person has died, for the third time in less than two years. It’s believed that this time she had just turned one hundred and two.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. Tune in tonight on television for another chance to see “Sháinne’s Cribs”, my 2011 investigative documentary about the commercialisation of the Christmas story But for now, a very good morning to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that matters, and the matter that’s news.

A diversion remains in place on Duke Street, after six ATM users formed an unnecessarily long queue, each standing thirty metres behind
the person in front, in an apparent attempt to avoid intimidating them. Army experts have been called in attempt to attempt to infuse common sense into the situation.

Local fuel stations have expressed concern about yesterday’s announcement by retail giant Tesco, that it is to expand its online grocery service to include home delivery of petrol and other motor fuels. Speaking this morning through what is assumed to be his mouth, local petrol station owner Muddy McPippleton told Athy Weekly World News that the move would cost him a fortune in lost revenue, as shoppers usually fill up at his pumps before making the seventeen mile drive to the nearest Tesco supermarket. Meanwhile, consumer interest groups have warned that the development will inevitably lead to blah blah blah the usual etcetera.

There’s been a further development regarding Athy’s historic canal locks, which it recently emerged could not be secured against interference by late night revellers, due to lack of funding. A permanent art installation, in the form of a life-size and realistic
replica of a canal lock and gate, has been erected in the middle of a roundabout two miles from the canal, on the new road linking the north of the town to the N9 motorway. It’s believed that the development amounts to Athy Weely World News’ first ever entirely non-fictional local news item. Union officials have expressed concern, saying there’s already precious little work for local writers of nonsense-humour in the current climate.

Finally, the future is bright this morning for Athy’s Model Railway Exhibition, after town planners approved an application to rezone hundreds of square miles of unused carpet space under the table,
enabling it to be put on the market for residential and commercial use.

In Athy Weekly World Eyewitness Weather, it looks fine from where I’m sitting, although I’m in a basement studio, so it could be raining
cats and dogs outside. Hopefully cute little ginger male cats who’ve been fixed and have had all their vaccines.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a special edition of The Sháinne Show, in
which I’ll be turning the cameras on myself, due to ongoing industrial action by broadcast technicians. But for now, a very good morning to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good morning. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is “Athy Weekly World News.”

It’s just been announced that a brand new episode of “Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News”, is to go ahead immediately. Athy Weekly World News has learned that the occasional bulletin, presented by vintage newscaster Sháinne Greoige, will indeed proceed as scheduled at this precise minute. However, when contacted a moment ago for comment, Athy Weekly World News declined to put forward a spokesperson.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that Athy’s “town twinning” programme has been indefinitely postponed until such time as contact can be made with a suitable Athy Town in a parallel Universe. Local councillor Bowsy O’Farrelly slammed the move, saying “By the time this thing gets off the ground, all of the other Athys will have paired off, and we’ll be like the last town left in a game of musical chairs”. Mr. O’Farrelly went on to say that the town’s only hope was if there are an even number of Athys in the Universe, the chances of which would appear to be fifty-fifty.

Meanwhile, it’s been revealed that Athy Children’s Playground is to get the Country’s first ever “Geostationary Roundabout.” According to local architects, children will be able to sit on the non-moving roundabout while watching on-screen real-time information about the movement of the Earth, giving them the thrill of spinning through space, without any of the insurance ramifications. The provision of the necessary astronomical data is to be put out to tender shortly. Critics have slammed the proposals, pointing out that “geostationary” implies the facility will orbit the planet on a daily basis, at the same speed at which the world revolves on it’s axis. The town manager, in a written clarification, has responded that “You don’t have to be up in space to rotate with the Earth. In fact, we’re all spinning right now, this minute, just as we would be if we were hitching a ride on the back of an over-caffeinated cat who’s been tied to a post and can’t stop running around in circles. So we might as well get some value out of it for our children, and our children’s children. And their parents, for that matter.”

We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that several arrests have been made at a violent protest outside Athy Adult Learning Centre. It’s understood that students are calling for the reversal of last week’s budget cuts, the main casualty of which were the school’s annual “Anger Management” programme.

And finally, the forecast. The hump of the week is expected to pass around Wednesday lunchtime, after which it will all be downhill sailing, except in some coastal areas.

I’m Sháinne Greoige. Join me tonight for “Sháinne Greoige’s Night Off”, when I’ll be relaxing at home with a keg of home-brew and my cats, watching “American’s Next Top Model Aeroplane”. But for now, a very good evening to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. A controversy has erupted after this week’s unveiling of Athy’s 2012 Christmas tree. The local Chamber of Commerce had stated that this year’s tree would be an artificial one. However, local atheists have pointed out that rubber grows on trees. Athy Weekly World News has learned that rubber does indeed grow on trees, but only on real trees, not artificial ones. Athy Weekly World News has also learned that cats meow in an attempt to mimic human babies, and that copper, coal, tungsten and gold account for a large part of the industrial output of Outer Mongolia.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that German discount retailer Lidl is to offer cheap, generic over-the-counter placebo pills, in competition with local pharmacists. Critics have pointed out that the change appears to be a cynical attempt to rebrand the store’s unpopular foreign “sucky sweets”, which, they say, will “continue to suck” no matter what they call them.

Tributes have been pouring in to the Grand Canal in Athy, after a lorry carrying funeral wreathes to a flower shop in the town skidded and left the road. We’ll have more on this story if we think of anything. Probably not, though.

Locals have reacted angrily to the announcement that the town’s car parks system is to be restructured, with the launch of a new “Parking Mats” programme. Each motorist will be required to purchase a large mat, and roll it out in the parking space before leaving his or her vehicle. The mats are designed to fade over six months, and parking wardens will be equipped with handy pocket-sized colour pallets to determine whether they are still valid.

In traffic, two dogs have collided in Leinster Square, causing major tailbacks.

And finally, the weather. I’m Sháinne Greoige, for Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a new series of Hypothetical Questions, when I’ll be asking whether more needs to be done. But for now, a very good morning to you.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good afternoon. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s NEW, and happening to YOU!

Permission has yet again been denied for Athy’s proposed new Town Centre Cinemas ‘n’ Shit to bring us into the 1990s development. Officials say the construction, which would have provided 85 million jobs for the area, risked obscuring Athy’s historic view of the horizon. The developer has reportedly asked whether he would have had better luck had he planned a secret sweet factory manned by “Ooompah Loompahs”. The local Congress of Trade Unions has demanded that he withdraw the statement.

Home insurars have announced that they will now treat all inclement weather in the Athy area as uninsurable “Acts of God”, after the mass sighting of a clear image of the face of Jesus Christ on a rain cloud over the town earlier this week. The alleged perpetrators of the incident were unavailable for comment.

County Kildare’s hard hit commuters are once again to be hit hard – quite literally, this time – in fresh cost-cutting measures by Irish Rail and Bus Eireann.  Speaking to himself in the mirror last night, Ireland’s Transport Minister appeared to confirm that commuters will be required to be punched in the face by ticket inspectors, as part of a new “Green Ticketing Scheme”, to cut down on the printing-costs associated with paper tickets.

Local councillors have slammed the proposal, pointing out that the traditional practice of punching a hole in a ticket, itself cuts down on the amount of paper used. They have tabled a counter proposal, to be voted on tomorrow. If passed, the “Mint with the Hole Amendment Bill” would increase by fifty per-cent the hole size made by the inspectors’ ticket punchers.

Traffic news now, and the N7 Motorway is moving slowly but efficiently, after a section of prefabricated tarmac road surface, which was being transported overnight by a convoy of flatbed trucks, was mistaken for open road by dozens of late night motorists. It’s been announced that the trucks will allow them to dismount at the M50 Park and Ride site.

In International news, we’re all going to die. And finally, the weather. Cold as shit until April.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s new, and happening to you! Don’t forget to join me tonight on television for Sháinne at Large, when I’ll be finding out what it’s like to be an escaped zoo animal. But for now, a very good morning to you.