Sháinne Greoige Scripts: 4 of 2012

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that matters, and the matter that’s news.

A diversion remains in place on Duke Street, after six ATM users formed an unnecessarily long queue, each standing thirty metres behind the person in front, in an apparent attempt to avoid intimidating them. Army experts have been called in to attempt to infuse common sense into the situation.

Local fuel stations have expressed concern about yesterday’s announcement by retail giant Tesco, that it is to expand its online grocery service to include home delivery of petrol and other motor fuels. Speaking this morning through what is assumed to be his mouth, local petrol station owner Muddy McPippleton told Athy Weekly World News that the move would cost him a fortune in lost revenue, as shoppers usually fill up at his pumps before making the seventeen mile drive to the nearest Tesco supermarket. Meanwhile, consumer interest groups have warned that the development will inevitably lead to blah blah blah the usual etcetera.

There’s been a further development regarding Athy’s historic canal locks, which it recently emerged could not be secured against interference by late night revellers, due to lack of funding. A permanent art installation, in the form of a life-size and realistic
replica of a canal lock and gate, has been erected in the middle of a roundabout two miles from the canal, on the new road linking the north of the town to the N9 motorway. It’s believed that the development amounts to Athy Weely World News’ first ever entirely non-fictional local news item. Union officials have expressed concern, saying there’s already precious little work for local writers of nonsense-humour in the current climate.

Finally, the future is bright this morning for Athy’s Model Railway Exhibition, after town planners approved an application to rezone hundreds of square miles of unused carpet space under the table,
enabling it to be put on the market for residential and commercial use.

In Athy Weekly World Eyewitness Weather, it looks fine from where I’m sitting, although I’m in a basement studio, so it could be raining
cats and dogs outside. Hopefully cute little ginger male cats who’ve been fixed and have had all their vaccines.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a special edition of The Sháinne Show, in which I’ll be turning the cameras on myself, due to ongoing industrial action by broadcast technicians. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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