Sháinne Greoige Scripts: 2 of 2012

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good morning. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is “Athy Weekly World News.”

It’s just been announced that a brand new episode of “Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News”, is to go ahead immediately. Athy Weekly World News has learned that the occasional bulletin, presented by vintage newscaster Sháinne Greoige, will indeed proceed as scheduled at this precise minute. However, when contacted a moment ago for comment, Athy Weekly World News declined to put forward a spokesperson.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that Athy’s “town twinning” programme has been indefinitely postponed until such time as contact can be made with a suitable Athy Town in a parallel Universe. Local councillor Bowsy O’Farrelly slammed the move, saying “By the time this thing gets off the ground, all of the other Athys will have paired off, and we’ll be like the last town left in a game of musical chairs”. Mr. O’Farrelly went on to say that the town’s only hope was if there are an even number of Athys in the Universe, the chances of which would appear to be fifty-fifty.

Meanwhile, it’s been revealed that Athy Children’s Playground is to get the Country’s first ever “Geostationary Roundabout.” According to local architects, children will be able to sit on the non-moving roundabout while watching on-screen real-time information about the movement of the Earth, giving them the thrill of spinning through space, without any of the insurance ramifications. The provision of the necessary astronomical data is to be put out to tender shortly. Critics have slammed the proposals, pointing out that “geostationary” implies the facility will orbit the planet on a daily basis, at the same speed at which the world revolves on it’s axis. The town manager, in a written clarification, has responded that “You don’t have to be up in space to rotate with the Earth. In fact, we’re all spinning right now, this minute, just as we would be if we were hitching a ride on the back of an over-caffeinated cat who’s been tied to a post and can’t stop running around in circles. So we might as well get some value out of it for our children, and our children’s children. And their parents, for that matter.”

We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that several arrests have been made at a violent protest outside Athy Adult Learning Centre. It’s understood that students are calling for the reversal of last week’s budget cuts, the main casualty of which were the school’s annual “Anger Management” programme.

And finally, the forecast. The hump of the week is expected to pass around Wednesday lunchtime, after which it will all be downhill sailing, except in some coastal areas.

I’m Sháinne Greoige. Join me tonight for “Sháinne Greoige’s Night Off”, when I’ll be relaxing at home with a keg of home-brew and my cats, watching “American’s Next Top Model Aeroplane”. But for now, a very good evening to you.