Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that matters, and the matter that’s news.

A diversion remains in place on Duke Street, after six ATM users formed an unnecessarily long queue, each standing thirty metres behind the person in front, in an apparent attempt to avoid intimidating them. Army experts have been called in to attempt to infuse common sense into the situation.

Local fuel stations have expressed concern about yesterday’s announcement by retail giant Tesco, that it is to expand its online grocery service to include home delivery of petrol and other motor fuels. Speaking this morning through what is assumed to be his mouth, local petrol station owner Muddy McPippleton told Athy Weekly World News that the move would cost him a fortune in lost revenue, as shoppers usually fill up at his pumps before making the seventeen mile drive to the nearest Tesco supermarket. Meanwhile, consumer interest groups have warned that the development will inevitably lead to blah blah blah the usual etcetera.

There’s been a further development regarding Athy’s historic canal locks, which it recently emerged could not be secured against interference by late night revellers, due to lack of funding. A permanent art installation, in the form of a life-size and realistic
replica of a canal lock and gate, has been erected in the middle of a roundabout two miles from the canal, on the new road linking the north of the town to the N9 motorway. It’s believed that the development amounts to Athy Weely World News’ first ever entirely non-fictional local news item. Union officials have expressed concern, saying there’s already precious little work for local writers of nonsense-humour in the current climate.

Finally, the future is bright this morning for Athy’s Model Railway Exhibition, after town planners approved an application to rezone hundreds of square miles of unused carpet space under the table,
enabling it to be put on the market for residential and commercial use.

In Athy Weekly World Eyewitness Weather, it looks fine from where I’m sitting, although I’m in a basement studio, so it could be raining
cats and dogs outside. Hopefully cute little ginger male cats who’ve been fixed and have had all their vaccines.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a special edition of The Sháinne Show, in which I’ll be turning the cameras on myself, due to ongoing industrial action by broadcast technicians. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good morning. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is “Athy Weekly World News.”

It’s just been announced that a brand new episode of “Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News”, is to go ahead immediately. Athy Weekly World News has learned that the occasional bulletin, presented by vintage newscaster Sháinne Greoige, will indeed proceed as scheduled at this precise minute. However, when contacted a moment ago for comment, Athy Weekly World News declined to put forward a spokesperson.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that Athy’s “town twinning” programme has been indefinitely postponed until such time as contact can be made with a suitable Athy Town in a parallel Universe. Local councillor Bowsy O’Farrelly slammed the move, saying “By the time this thing gets off the ground, all of the other Athys will have paired off, and we’ll be like the last town left in a game of musical chairs”. Mr. O’Farrelly went on to say that the town’s only hope was if there are an even number of Athys in the Universe, the chances of which would appear to be fifty-fifty.

Meanwhile, it’s been revealed that Athy Children’s Playground is to get the Country’s first ever “Geostationary Roundabout.” According to local architects, children will be able to sit on the non-moving roundabout while watching on-screen real-time information about the movement of the Earth, giving them the thrill of spinning through space, without any of the insurance ramifications. The provision of the necessary astronomical data is to be put out to tender shortly. Critics have slammed the proposals, pointing out that “geostationary” implies the facility will orbit the planet on a daily basis, at the same speed at which the world revolves on it’s axis. The town manager, in a written clarification, has responded that “You don’t have to be up in space to rotate with the Earth. In fact, we’re all spinning right now, this minute, just as we would be if we were hitching a ride on the back of an over-caffeinated cat who’s been tied to a post and can’t stop running around in circles. So we might as well get some value out of it for our children, and our children’s children. And their parents, for that matter.”

We’re receiving unconfirmed reports that several arrests have been made at a violent protest outside Athy Adult Learning Centre. It’s understood that students are calling for the reversal of last week’s budget cuts, the main casualty of which were the school’s annual “Anger Management” programme.

And finally, the forecast. The hump of the week is expected to pass around Wednesday lunchtime, after which it will all be downhill sailing, except in some coastal areas.

I’m Sháinne Greoige. Join me tonight for “Sháinne Greoige’s Night Off”, when I’ll be relaxing at home with a keg of home-brew and my cats, watching “American’s Next Top Model Aeroplane”. But for now, a very good evening to you.

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Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. A controversy has erupted after this week’s unveiling of Athy’s 2012 Christmas tree. The local Chamber of Commerce had stated that this year’s tree would be an artificial one. However, local atheists have pointed out that rubber grows on trees. Athy Weekly World News has learned that rubber does indeed grow on trees, but only on real trees, not artificial ones. Athy Weekly World News has also learned that cats meow in an attempt to mimic human babies, and that copper, coal, tungsten and gold account for a large part of the industrial output of Outer Mongolia.

Locals have reacted angrily to the announcement that the town’s car parks system is to be restructured, with the launch of a new “Parking Mats” programme. Each motorist will be required to purchase a large mat, and roll it out in the parking space before leaving his or her vehicle. The mats are designed to fade over six months, and parking wardens will be equipped with handy pocket-sized colour pallets to determine whether they are still valid.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that German discount retailer Lidl is to offer cheap, generic over-the-counter placebo pills, in competition with local pharmacists. Critics have pointed out that the change appears to be a cynical attempt to rebrand the store’s unpopular foreign “sucky sweets”, which, they say, will “continue to suck” no matter what they call them.

Tributes have been pouring in to the Grand Canal in Athy, after a lorry carrying funeral wreathes to a flower shop in the town skidded and left the road. We’ll have more on this story if we think of anything. Probably not, though.

In traffic, two dogs have collided in Leinster Square, causing major tailbacks.

And finally, the weather. I’m Sháinne Greoige, for Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a new series of Hypothetical Questions, when I’ll be asking whether more needs to be done. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good afternoon. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s NEW, and happening to YOU!

Permission has yet again been denied for Athy’s proposed new Town Centre Cinemas ‘n’ Shit to bring us into the 1990s development. Officials say the construction, which would have provided 85 million jobs for the area, risked obscuring Athy’s historic view of the horizon. The developer has reportedly asked whether he would have had better luck had he planned a secret sweet factory manned by “Ooompah Loompahs”. The local Congress of Trade Unions has demanded that he withdraw the statement.

Home insuraers have announced that they will now treat all inclement weather in the Athy area as uninsurable “Acts of God”, after the mass sighting of a clear image of the face of Jesus Christ on a rain cloud over the town earlier this week. The alleged perpetrators of the incident were unavailable for comment.

County Kildare’s hard hit commuters are once again to be hit hard – quite literally, this time – in fresh cost-cutting measures by Irish Rail and Bus Eireann.  Speaking to himself in the mirror last night, Ireland’s Transport Minister appeared to confirm that commuters will be required to be punched in the face by ticket inspectors, as part of a new “Green Ticketing Scheme”, to cut down on the printing-costs associated with paper tickets.

Local councillors have slammed the proposal, pointing out that the traditional practice of punching a hole in a ticket, itself cuts down on the amount of paper used. They have tabled a counter proposal, to be voted on tomorrow. If passed, the “Mint with the Hole Amendment Bill” would increase by fifty per-cent the hole size made by the inspectors’ ticket punchers.

Traffic news now, and the N7 Motorway is moving slowly but efficiently, after a section of prefabricated tarmac road surface, which was being transported overnight by a convoy of flatbed trucks, was mistaken for open road by dozens of late night motorists. It’s been announced that the trucks will allow them to dismount at the M50 Park and Ride site.

In International news, we’re all going to die. And finally, the weather. Cold as shit until April.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s new, and happening to you! Don’t forget to join me tonight on television for Sháinne at Large, when I’ll be finding out what it’s like to be an escaped zoo animal. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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