Neal’s Construction and Interior Design Tips

Gathered together in one place for the first time, here is everything I know about how to design and build things.

• If you build a floor with a ceiling immediately below it, people will think they’re upstairs, and eventually jump out a window to try to escape.
  
• If you build two floors, one right on top of the other, people will assume you’ve accidentally omitted a ceiling and thirteen feet of headspace.
  
• Make your own window: Put two mirrors back to back and place a series of peripheral mirrors in position to reflect one mirror onto the other. Alternatively, just place two two-way mirrors back to back.
  
• Cleaning the outside of a pane of glass is pointless unless you also clean the inside. This is why mirrors don’t work.
  
• Contrary to popular misconception among furniture manufacturers, a Table Tennis table only needs to have two sides, not four.
  
• If you build two walls right up against each other, the pro-agoraphobic brigade will jump down your throat like you’re some sort of evil Nazi.
  
• Because of the ease with which a passing burglar can see potential rich pickings, people who live in glasshouses shouldn’t store thrones.
  
• However, contrary to popular misunderstanding, it is not particularly risky for people who live in glass houses to throw stones, as long as it’s done outside in a large open space, away from the glass house.
  
• Building a partition wall between two rooms is always a pointless exercise, since there is already a wall there.
  
• Cleaning the outside of a pane of glass is pointless unless you also clean the inside This is why mirrors are a waste of money
  
• If you build a room that’s so big it takes up a whole continent, don’t expect any gratitude for all your hard work. That’s all I’ll say. 
  
• If you install a staircase upside down, it’s not really a problem
  
• If you build a wall that goes all the way up to the clouds, people will whinge about dampness and make assumptions about your religious persuasion.
  
• If you build an exact, life size replica of the universe, critics will pan your work as being “derivative”.

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