This leccture first published as part of the Matchstick Cats.com University, circa 2005
Part One
Back in the early days, before the stone age rocks were very rare (or so people thought), and difficult to locate. So obviously they had to be used sparingly. Hence the origins of today’s essay.
Unbeknownst to most of the population at the time, who were not well educated and still trying to figure out what to do with fire now that they had accidentally invented it by punching a firedragon with a petrol soaked boxing glove, stones were actually to be found all over the place. It’s just that they were difficult to recognise. They all looked like those cool desert lizard things that disguise themselves as rocks.
Then one year the harvest wasn’t very good, due to some random weather that was raining down on them all Summer, so people started looking for sources of food. They thought of eating their cows, but they didn’t like the look of them. They looked like they might not be salty enough. Early humans liked salty foods because they made them thirsty enough to drink the rather unpalatable Ostrich Blood Beer, which was their only drink. Water of course was not discovered until two million years later, when Einstein came up with the idea of blending atoms of hydrogen with oxygen to made a refreshing and nourishing drink.
So instead they attempted to cook up a few of the cool lizard things, of which there appeared to be available in abundance. That’s when they discovered that they were all rocks, not lizards. But at least now they had plenty of rocks on which to build a fire. And somebody suggested that they “could use the fire to cook themselves some of those cool liz-
-oh crap.”
So anyway they all died from starvation and the earth was uninhabited for ten billion years, until some of the rocks evolved into lizards and dinosaurs, and things started kicking again.
This time around, the cool lizard things didn’t look like rocks. But that didn’t really matter because the new generation of humans were intelligent enough to be able to distinguish them from rocks anyway. They mostly avoided the lizard things, possibly because of some sort of sub conscious ancestral memory that they inherited through the cosmos or whatever.
But what they were interested in, was birds. The new generation of humans adored chicken sandwiches, and couldn’t get enough of them. And although they knew that rocks were plentiful, they still had this subconscious thing of not wanting to waste anything. So they tried, where possible, to kill two chickens with one stone. It was known as “re-strangling”, and it has become the basis on which all ecologically friendly practices in the world today are based.
Next time, I’ll tell you exactly how to go about killing two birds with one stone. Or I might just forget all about it and do something about cats.
Part Two
Last time, I told you all about the history of birds and stones and things. Now that you’ve got the background, it’s time to put what you’ve learned into practice.
Firstly, you have to find two suitable birds. Do not, under any circumstances, choose twins. You will become very confused and you won’t be able to tell whether you’ve killed one bird or two, particularly if there’s a mirror nearby. If you have no choice in the matter, at least make sure that one of them is wearing a hat. And make damn certain that you sew the hat to the bird’s feathers. Otherwise they’ll start pissing about and swopping hats and things, and you’ll have no idea which bird is which.
Now, let’s talk about ammo. I myself prefer to practice on clay pigeons first, but if these are not available in your area it’s fine to use papier mache ones. Just make sure that if you are making the papier mache yourself, you use only respectable newspapapers, not one of those dodgy English tabloids that are full of stories about President Clinton’s dog.
But besides that, you don’t want to become distracted by these titillating stories and end up accidentally shooting your cat instead. I’m not suggesting for one moment that you would sink so low as to read a tabloid newspaper, but the people who write this stuff are experts at catching your attention, and there’s every possibility that you might become victim to their overwhelming tactics.
Anyway, you’ve got your clay pigeon shooting equipment, and you’ve had some practice so now it’s time to kill two birds with one stone. And I’ve just realised that we’re meant to be using a stone here, not a gun. So the last two paragraphs were a waste of my valuable time.
Oh well, no point crying over spilt milk. I’ve never understood why anyone would become upset over a quantity of lost dairy product. It’s just milk. Now, if it was spilt liquid gold, that would be a bummer. But let’s get things into proportion here. You can get more milk. Just make sure you keep the cow friendly and co-operative by not accidentally killing him or her with the stone.
So anyway, you’ve got your two birds and you’ve got your stone and now you’re ready to kill the two poor innocent little creatures with the stone. You cold hearted vicious bamtard. What the hell are you doing? I’m having no part in this evil act. Go away.