Sháinne Greoige Scripts: 1 of 2012

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. A controversy has erupted after this week’s unveiling of Athy’s 2012 Christmas tree. The local Chamber of Commerce had stated that this year’s tree would be an artificial one. However, local atheists have pointed out that rubber grows on trees. Athy Weekly World News has learned that rubber does indeed grow on trees, but only on real trees, not artificial ones. Athy Weekly World News has also learned that cats meow in an attempt to mimic human babies, and that copper, coal, tungsten and gold account for a large part of the industrial output of Outer Mongolia.

Locals have reacted angrily to the announcement that the town’s car parks system is to be restructured, with the launch of a new “Parking Mats” programme. Each motorist will be required to purchase a large mat, and roll it out in the parking space before leaving his or her vehicle. The mats are designed to fade over six months, and parking wardens will be equipped with handy pocket-sized colour pallets to determine whether they are still valid.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the announcement that German discount retailer Lidl is to offer cheap, generic over-the-counter placebo pills, in competition with local pharmacists. Critics have pointed out that the change appears to be a cynical attempt to rebrand the store’s unpopular foreign “sucky sweets”, which, they say, will “continue to suck” no matter what they call them.

Tributes have been pouring in to the Grand Canal in Athy, after a lorry carrying funeral wreathes to a flower shop in the town skidded and left the road. We’ll have more on this story if we think of anything. Probably not, though.

In traffic, two dogs have collided in Leinster Square, causing major tailbacks.

And finally, the weather. I’m Sháinne Greoige, for Athy Weekly World News. Join me tonight on television for a new series of Hypothetical Questions, when I’ll be asking whether more needs to be done. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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