Octopuses are Right to Shun Milk

Circa Spring 2006

The glaring differences between the Octopus and it’s humble land-living cousin, the domestic two legged cat, have always fascinated me. I think they are a perfect example of how the adult self is formed by nurture, not nature. Put an animal on land, where it has almost unlimited access to old ladies who’ll feed them cow’s milk at least daily, and place it’s cousin in the sea, where there is absolutely no access whatsoever to dairy products, and watch what happens.

The sea-dwelling pus grows no less than four extra legs. It begs the question, why on earth do we listen to nutritionists when they tell us that milk is necessary for a sufficient supply of calcium to keep our skeletons healthy? Let me clear this alleged scientific fact up once and for all in a simple table.

Species	Daily Milk Intake (pints)	No. of Legs	Leg:Body Ratio
Domestic Cat (Land pus)	2*	4	4:1
Octupus	0	8	8:1
.
(*source: my left ventricle)

I think we can see clearly that milk is very bad for your bones. Besides which, milk comes out of a cow’s ass and is full of crap. If you must consume a beverage that is sourced from an animal’s ass, at least select a species that has high standards of hygiene.

A cat, for example.

Personally, I think the Vegans are the only people who’ve got it right. In Vegania, they had a war several years ago that wiped out all but the most aggressive of animals. And ever since, Vegans have been afraid of the remaining farm animals, so they just let them be. Frankly, they’re a bunch of pussies, but they’ve got beautiful creamy skin and their bowel movements are as regular as clockwork.

I’ve always believed it was important to have well-disciplined digestive organs. You can’t have a situation whereby your ass just lets loose whenever it feels like it. Especially if you’re about to buy a lovely new house and plan on putting a lot of nice new furniture in it.

So I’m thinking I might cut down on my fibre intake, and eat less carpet. That’s why we’ve decided to get either tiles or wooden floor-coverings in all of the rooms. Wood is natural stuff from trees, so it’s pretty much a vegetable, and I don’t know what tiles are made of but I’m almost certain they don’t come out of a cow’s ass, because they’ve got very sharp edges. That’s why I’ve never understood the attraction with Toblerones. Or tortilla chips, for that matter.

Give me a nice round, smooth apple or orange any day, and I’ll give you some nice, harmless pain free brown liquidy stuff. I love making smoothies. Besides, where the hell are you going to find vitamin “C” in a piece of cow excrement? Don’t kid yourself – any cow that has been intelligent enough to eat oranges all it’s life, sure as hell isn’t going to allow itself to end up in an abattoir.

Although as I write that, it occurs to me that I used to live in a housing estate called Applewood Heights, and there was an abattoir at the bottom of the road. And there were no apples left. Apparently they were all used up a long time ago.

Now, I’m not sure whether that proves or disproves my theory about cows and vitamin “C”, but it says a hell of a lot about the vulgar extravagance of the people who used to live in that town. Wood is a precious enough natural commodity already, but when you think of the tiny amount of wood that is in the stalk of an apple, and imagine how many of those you would need to create a piece of Apple Wood furniture, you have to be ashamed to be human.

Little wonder then, that we all go around dressed in the skins of other animals, in a feeble attempt to disguise the fact that we are members of a race that has been famous since the beginning of time for commiting sins involving apples. And bananas of courses, but there’s no mention of that in the bible, is there? Of course not – the Creationists and religious zealots don’t want us to know that we used to have a lot of bananas, as that would prove that we evolved from apes.