This Site will not Stand in the way of your Cheeses and Omelettes

From 13th Jan, 2005 – Editorial

I’ve always been a great believer in the dictum “quad etait demonstrandum,” which of course means “Ask not what your country can do for you. Instead, go to a fun fair and win a giant teddy bear called Lucy which takes up half the house and you may even have to get rid of your other bears Harry and Barry, despite them being much more loved and one of them being a gift from your boyfriend who is most upset and offended about the whole thing.”

On the other hand, where I wear my watch, I can tell that the time is fast approaching six o’clock, and that can only mean one thing.

It’s time to turn to cheese. Cheese is the be all and end all of everything. Without it we are mere apes, incapable of making a feast from some mouldy milk, and therefore wasting all of our intellectual advances of the past eight hundred years. I say eight hundred because, of course, that’s the number of years that have passed since the invention of the steam toaster. A fine contraption if ever I saw one, although I should advise you that if you have one of the early models, now is the time to open the bottom flap and empty out the crumbs that have gathered within over the years. You can always use them to make some kind of a stuffing, or perhaps a cheese omelette.

Nowadays of course all the young people have George Foreman grills instead. That man is a genius. All that time when we thought he was being beaten up because of weakness, we didn’t realise he was just in a creative trance in his corner of the ring, busy thinking up new ways to fry pork chops without the fats rolling back in. And besides, just as there are many religions, and many paths to god, we must tolerate these young people who use these fancy contraptions, for there are many ways to a cheese sandwich..

Cheese omelettes are lovely by the way, especially if you add plenty of onions and chickens and things to disguise the taste of the eggs and cheese and stuff. Not that I’ve got anything against eggs or cheese. It’s just that they do not belong together.

Eggs are a breakfast item.

At a stretch they can be used for luncheoning, but let’s make one thing perfectly clear. Cheese cannot be eaten before eight pm. It is a wonderful foodstuff, but it’s use is either as a late night snack – a toasted sandwich perhaps after a night of passionate drinking, or if you must, a cheese and wine party slightly earlier in the evening, of the sort that a colleague of mine used to organise every year. A perrenial cheese event, if you will.

But I won’t.

For I, as the responsible and caring editor of a cat themed website, must remain impartial in all of these matters. I care equally for both Harry and Barry, as I do for Lucy, the oversize fun fair bear won at Funderland last week. Or was it the week before?

I am open to correction. I am also open to omelettes and the cheeses and eggs therein, and will give all of these wonders of the culinary world the benefit of the doubt until I have tried them. This is, after all, a public service website, created to educate and inform you, the humble and ingorant reader, so that you may dare to hope to become less stupid.

And who am I to stand in your way? I don’t want to be the cause of another Tieneman Square, and besides you’re not driving a tank. Just an oversize car. And after all, I’ve always been stone cold rigidly opposed to the idea of two streets or parks or squares in the world being given the same name. There are two many “Chestnut Close”s and “Hillside Park”s and “and “Dargan Street”s for my liking. And I will not contribute to the confusion by creating another “Tieneman Square”. At least not until I have visited the original one and come to a conclusion, one way or another, as to whether or not it is to my liking.