Bowsy’s Christ you Humans are Dumb

At this stage, many of you may be wondering what you’re doing reading an article by a stupid brown bear on the other side of the world. That probably means you’re racist. But I won’t hold that against you.

I’ve spent too much of my life trying to tackle the prejudices that face soft toys, and I’m fucked if I’m going to waste any more of it listening to you. Loser.

No offence.

Anyway, what I brought you here to talk to you about today was the whole thing about picnic baskets and bears who allegedly steal them. First off, if my parents had named me Yogi or Booboo, I’d most likely have grown up a delinquent too.

But that’s beside the point, which is that “Picnic basket” is far too generic a term to cover the wide range of items which are available to pilfer in a natural park. It is an over simplification.

And if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s this kind of “dumbing down” in the media. That phrase is itself a dumbing down, as it misuses a word that is meant to refer to an inability to communicate orally, rather than a lack of intellectual content.

And what the hell the word “dumbass” is supposed to mean these days, I can only guess. But let’s not make fun of innocent body parts which, apparently, can’t answer us back. As an inanimate object myself, I often find myself the object of ridicule by the “alive” community. I try not to let it get the better of me, but sometimes it does piss me off quite immensely.

Not that I have the ability to urinate, of course, but people do love to assign imaginary human characteristics to their pets or soft toys. Accordingly, it has been “determined” that I urinate. Interestingly I manage to do it in a way that involves no mess or inconvenience. I must be immensely talented in that way.

Anyway the thing about Hanna Barbara cartoons, I find, is that all of the bears without exception look like hound dogs. I for one would not allow myself to be seen associating with these hideous hibreed animals. Not that I’m a snob, you understand, but I have my standards. And in my humble opinion, Scooby Doo is scum.

Personally, I was always more of a fan of Bugs Bunny, who would fight off his adversaries with impressive quips and put-downs, mixed with the occasional confidence trick. That’s the sort of thing I go in for. I’m also a big fan of opera and religious art, but I realise that you people are nowhere near capable of reading a dissertation on those subjects, so I will do you a favour and leave it at that.

Instead, I, Bowsy the Bear, will cowtow to your low-brow entertainment needs, fill the rest of this piece with swear words and cheap vulgarities and leave you with this thought. Which of these is the odd one out? Fuck, arse, shite, urine, the late Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie, vomit, toilet

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