Gorrila Shaped Clouds and the Fire Brigade

Neal’s Belch no. 162 for 25th Sep, 2004

Yesterday I was walking along, looking up at the clouds as I always do, when I noticed that one of them was leaking.

White fluffy stuff was falling from it and drifting all over the sky, and kids were excitedly trying to catch it and make it into pillow case stuffing, a product for which there is a huge black market in Ireland.

Anyway, the fire brigade turned up of course, and sorted everything out.  But while they were there, I noticed the hose that they used to spray the cloud and make it float away to another fire brigade’s jurisdiction so that it became somebody else’s problem, was made of rubber.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but rubber is highly toxic and flammable isn’t it? That’s just stupid. What they need to do there, if you ask me, is put a load of holes in the hose, then dip it into a lake so that the lake water will get into the hose and put out the fire that will undoubtedly have been raging inside the hose from the moment it was manufactured.

I’m glad I put my mind to that particular problem. I love coming up with solutions to things. Yesterday a dog with three legs was trying to climb up a tree in my immediate locality, and was clearly having great difficulty doing it. This despite the best efforts of the marvellous people who work in the field of veterinary research. I’m afraid the bandage just wasn’t enough. So I helped the poor little doggy out by chopping down the tree so that it lay horizontal on the ground and he could explore it to his heart’s content.

Anyway back to the clouds.

One of them happened to be shaped like a big gorilla, a phenomenon which scares quite a lot of people, but not me becase I am a gorilla. I took it as an enormous compliment to my species that a few million water droplets chose to unite in a tribute to my kind, before dispersing like a group of ballet dancers readying themselves for the next act. I’ve always been a great admirer of the ballet. Although I must say I find the swans in the  lake at my  local park to be far below the standards set by the genre.

The ducks, on the other hand, are excellent. But that’s probably because they get plenty of incentives from the breadcrumbs that get thrown at them as rewards.

Nobody ever throws bread crumbs at swans because they’re afraid they will choke or something. Swans are just too delicate, I find. I’ve broken several of them through normal day to day use.

Human ballet dancers, on the other hand, take enormous offence if you offer breadcrumbs to them. People really are ungrateful assholes sometimes. Maybe it’s just me, what with being a gorilla and all that, but I have never had a “thank  you” or even a polite smile or a bow from a ballet dancer after I gave them breadcrumbs. Maybe it’s because they’re stale or something, I dunno. Although if that’s the case they could easily cover it up with some moisturising cream.

I’ve never understood why moisturising cream cannot be shipped out to drought-ridden countries to make them wet. Instead, this marvellous creation gets wasted on women’s faces, where it’s not needed.

What is this obsession people have with remaining moist at all times?