That last option, while admittedly relatively minimalistic, still seems a little extravagant. Now, I haven’t looked up the statistics, and you might argue that these things are best left to the experts, but let us assume that ten thousand servings of coffee cake are consumed daily nationwide and that, of those, seven hundred and eighty-four result in fatal choking in instances where a pre-poured beverage is not close to hand.

That leaves eight thousand, two hundred and sixteen servings of, on the face of it, medically unnecessary tap water. However, let’s be reasonable and assume that forty percent of diners will be genuinely thirsty and drink the water regardless, and that another ten to fifteen per-cent will take a number of nervous sips just out of some sort of guilt and / or perceived obligation because they are occupying the much sought-after big sofa in an upmarket coffee shop in which you are pretty much required by law to be drinking coffee, even if you were just hungry and had a hankering, as some of you foreigners call it, for something that tastes like coffee but fills the solids compartment rather than the liquids compartment.

Incidentally, the only reason people go nuts for those couches is because they’ve convinced themselves that one day they’re going to find a load of cash between the cushions that will balance out all the money they’ve squandered on bottled tap-water and dry coffee cake over the years. It’s pretty much legalised illegal gambling, and it’s happening right in front of our faces in every shopping mall in the western world. It is very telling that McDonald’s, who serve a far more down-to-earth, honest, hardworking clientele, have always had contiguous moulded plastic seating with no gaps. Although they do still screw the chairs to the floor.

The only other possibility I can think of (regarding the coffee cake Market) is that maybe it’s like Carat Cake, whereby it isn’t really made from carats of gold, it’s just called that because somebody mistyped “carrot”, and it auto-corrected to “carat”. But that doesn’t seem to make any sense to me. It’s not like your average consumer of cake would have a hankering for either carat or carrots, or in any case expect such a hankering to be resolved by eating cake. And besides, unless I’m greatly mistaken it’s actually called carrot cake, and not carat cake, so my point is moot.

And while I’m on the subject, that word “hankering” just reminds me of that disgusting Mr Hanky character from South Park, and does nothing for the appetitite. The producers would be well-advised to consider licensing him to SlimFast. (Assuming they want him)

In conclusion, there is literally a coffee cake on a coffee table five feet from me as I type this on a device that contains a camera, and still I’m going to use an archive photo of one of our cats as the illustration.

2019 – First posted on Facebook

**** Next time: Coffee tables ****

From 2004, Originally part of the Newsburp University. Later rebranded the Matchstick University. It even had a Matchstick Cat mascot in a graduation cap Adorable.

Course NBU-04: How to Play the Banjo – Part 1

Although I, your lecturer for course NBU-04, have never played the banjo and never handled one or read any books on how to play the banjo, I firmly believe that a good teacher can teach anything, regardless of knowledge and experience.

Playing the banjo can be a rewarding and fruitful hobby, in the right hands. In the wrong hands, it can have consequences that lead to the forced evacuation of your town or city, and can result in harsh economic sanctions being placed on your country by the international community.

First some background. In 1976 Christopher Columbus, grandson of the explorer of the same name, was travelling by car to a second hand record market in Holland, where he hoped to pick up a bootleg copy of the yet-to-be-released unnamed fourth Led Zeppelin album. The one that some idiots mistakenly refer to as “Led Zeppelin 4”. The ignorant numbskulls.

Anyway, on his way he took a brief diversion and inadvertently discovered America. Now, America had of course been discovered several hundred years before that, but everyone in Europe had sort of forgotten it existed. So it came as a complete surprise to everybody to find that there was another country at the other side of the big blue water-filled hole where they kept their inflatable matresses.

Suddenly everything made sense. They now knew where all those mysterious unidentified flying aeroplanes (UFAs) were coming from, and why the aliens who travelled in them always spend a couple of weeks harmlessly exploring museums and local McDonald’s branches, before disappearing without even bothering to kidnap anybody.

Anyway, this guy, Columbus Jnr (Jnr. was an abbreviation of Jennifer, a name of which he was not proud, because there was a much loathed serial killer at the time, by the name of Jennifer) , came back from America with a new musical instrument, and a couple of board games. At first people were skeptical. “That’s pretty much just a violin that’s not made out of cat whiskers, isn’t it?”, they would say. They always said it in those exact words, because the well-organised anti banjo movement used to walk a hundred feet ahead of Columbus wherever he went, handing out cue cards to the locals with that sentence written on it.

(The anti banjo movement is now a political party, but in the interests of impartiality, the NewsBurp University will not tell you which one.)

Anyway, somehow the proponents of banjoism managed to overcome these hurdles, and nowadays it is rare to walk down a street and see a person who isn’t carrying a banjo. Well, that’s the history bit – let’s get down to learning how to play your banjo.

First, make sure you have oiled your musical instrument. And always adjust the “saddle” before attempting to play it. Now, assuming you’re right-handed, hold the handlebars in your left hand, put your right foot on the left paddle, and gentle push youself down the hill. When you have a momentum going, throw your right leg over the saddle and start peddling, remembering to watch out for traffic coming from behind.

Now you’re well on your w:ay. Well done. You’ve all passed.

Course NBU-12: How to Play the Banjo – Part 2

Welcome to the long-awaited second part of our course in how to enjoy one of the most rewarding hobbies known to humankind.

Now that you’ve learned the basics, and are becoming comfortable with your banjo, it’s time to get more adventurous. I suggest you start by signing up for some bungee jumps or going on a blind date. But you could also become more adventurous with the banjo itself. Before you do that, though, you need to know a little more about the history of this wonderful instrument.

In the early 1800s, the peer pressure that has always been associated with banjos, started to get out of hand. Every child in the country felt an uncontrollable urge to get his or her hands on one. As a result, the banjo factories worked flat out, twenty four hours a day to meet the demand. Banjo makers were in great demand, and started to insist on exhorbitant wages for their much sought after services.

Something had to give.

Then the manufacturers became clever. Instead of making banjos in the traditional way, they bought thousands and thousands of unused ukelleles, and simply converted them. The expertise ot the banjo makers was no longer needed, and they ended up on the scrap heap.

Ukellele makers, on the other hand, had it made.

Everybody suddenly wanted ukellee makers. But to cut a long story short, it all ended in tears when the kids suddenly decided they wanted Shrek 2 toys intead. I hope I’m not giving anything away for those of you who haven’t seen it yet, but the storyline of Shrek 2 contains very few, if any, complimentary references to banjos. Possibly because the film company is in cahoots with the anti banjo movement (see How to Play the Banjo, part 1, above)

Anyway, now that you’ve learned how to play the banjo, it’s time to learn some advanced moves. As always, hold your banjo between your legs, at an angle of forty five degrees to your right leg. Remember to check that there’s nobody standing behind you. You don’t want a nasty lawsuit just when you’re getting the hang of your new pastime, do you? Of course you don’t.

Now, holding the top of the banjo’s neck with your right hand in a vulcan death grip, and your left hand a couple of inches below, swing it right back and up into the air, enjoying the satisfying “swoosh” sounds it makes, then off you go. You might even get a hole in one. And that’s perfectly fine. There’s supposed to be a hole in the centre of the banjo, just under the strings. It’s something to do with sound or resonance or something.

Anyway, well done. You’re the next George Fornby.