Published as IYH Blog on my Into Your Head podcast website, April 2012

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be an elephant. And those of you who are regular listeners to my podcast will know that I am not the type to sit and wonder – instead I go out and do things.

Anyway, yesterday I took a little trip to Foto Wildlife Park. Unfortunately it’s two hundred miles away and I can’t drive, so by the time I got there the place was closed. So instead I walked to the nearest residential area and knocked on every third door until an elephant answered. And boy was I surprised.

I had always thought that elephants were huge, grey monsters with a trunk and large ears and tusks and legs and things, but apparently not. The elephant who answered the door looked more like a cat than anything else. Not that I’ve ever seen a cat, but I’ve heard about them on TV and I’ve seen the reconstructions that they make using computer generated whatsits, so I feel that I would recognise a cat if I saw one.

But that’s not the point. You see, today, my bank statement arrived, and the third item from the bottom was a charge on my debit card for a packet of wine gums. So obviously I suspected the elephant. I mean, who wouldn’t? I don’t mean to generalise, but elephants are thieving bastards. Everyone knows that. So I went round to the elephant’s house and switched off his television, but I didn’t switch it off at the main power button. Instead I put it into standby, which uses up a small amount of electricity and therefore will result in a small but definite charge on his electricity bill. That’ll teach him.

You see, I don’t like to go over the top when I’m plotting revenge. Instead I prefer to be subtle, and cause a small amount of pain in a devastingly ineffective way. That way, I have all the satisfaction of a Kill Bill style massacre, without any of the disadvantages of the subsequent police investigation, the lengthy court case and the death sentence commuted to life after I plead insanity.

And, frankly I would also be a little disappointed at how easily the court believed me when they said I was mad.

That’s not to say that I’m not mad. And I don’t mind being mad, if I am. That’s not a problem at all. Where I live, you can get a free television license and monthly butter vouchers if you’re mad, because the government cares deeply about people with disabilities or illnesses. So it would all be fine.

But that’s not the point. You see, I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for a few empty sugar pills to help cure my insomnia. However I forget to tell the doctor that I didn’t want to know that the pills were empty. The placebo effect doesn’t work if the patient knows that they are placebos. And it sprang to mind that I could have just gotten an elephant to sit on my head until I got bored with not being able to move, and fell asleep. That would have saved me forty euro in doctor’s fees.

So you can see how I am a little bitter about elephants at the moment, can’t you.