Category: The Shainne Greoige Scripts – Athy Weekly World News and other Shainne Greoige segments from the production archives of Into Your Head podcast.

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.

Good afternoon. I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s NEW, and happening to YOU!

Permission has yet again been denied for Athy’s proposed new Town Centre Cinemas ‘n’ Shit to bring us into the 1990s development. Officials say the construction, which would have provided 85 million jobs for the area, risked obscuring Athy’s historic view of the horizon. The developer has reportedly asked whether he would have had better luck had he planned a secret sweet factory manned by “Ooompah Loompahs”. The local Congress of Trade Unions has demanded that he withdraw the statement.

Home insuraers have announced that they will now treat all inclement weather in the Athy area as uninsurable “Acts of God”, after the mass sighting of a clear image of the face of Jesus Christ on a rain cloud over the town earlier this week. The alleged perpetrators of the incident were unavailable for comment.

County Kildare’s hard hit commuters are once again to be hit hard – quite literally, this time – in fresh cost-cutting measures by Irish Rail and Bus Eireann.  Speaking to himself in the mirror last night, Ireland’s Transport Minister appeared to confirm that commuters will be required to be punched in the face by ticket inspectors, as part of a new “Green Ticketing Scheme”, to cut down on the printing-costs associated with paper tickets.

Local councillors have slammed the proposal, pointing out that the traditional practice of punching a hole in a ticket, itself cuts down on the amount of paper used. They have tabled a counter proposal, to be voted on tomorrow. If passed, the “Mint with the Hole Amendment Bill” would increase by fifty per-cent the hole size made by the inspectors’ ticket punchers.

Traffic news now, and the N7 Motorway is moving slowly but efficiently, after a section of prefabricated tarmac road surface, which was being transported overnight by a convoy of flatbed trucks, was mistaken for open road by dozens of late night motorists. It’s been announced that the trucks will allow them to dismount at the M50 Park and Ride site.

In International news, we’re all going to die. And finally, the weather. Cold as shit until April.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. The news that’s new, and happening to you! Don’t forget to join me tonight on television for Sháinne at Large, when I’ll be finding out what it’s like to be an escaped zoo animal. But for now, a very good morning to you.

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