First ever blasphemous Two Cats walk into a Bar story

An IYH Podcast blog from 2012

If there’s one sentence by which I live my life, it is “Espedianta eluminum agraphobia”. I swear by it, and thereby cause quite a great deal of offence to those for whom it forms the basis of a religion.

Here in Ireland , it’s now once again illegal to blaspheme, because apparently god has a bit of a fragile ego and we don’t want to offend him. This legal thing though, is a bit of a problem.

Those of you who frequented my old websites will know that I once hired god to do an occasional article, and in it he made frequent references to his late son, Jesus Christ. Each time he did this, I had to issue a formal warning to him for taking his son’s name in vein. The people who write these laws really need to tighten things up a bit.

I recently had a go at writing some legislation, and it was surprisingly easy. I composed a flawless bill that, if passed, would outlaw the use of the symbol @ in inappropriate places, such as cinemas and night clubs. It was so easy I ended up adding one of my old “two cats walk into a bar” stories, from the pre-podcasting days, as section four, subsection three.

It stands very little chance of getting passed of course, since I am not a member of any legislative body. I’ve never held any great ambitions toward politics. I’d far rather continue in my current role as part time househusband, full time podcaster, or failing that become an astronaut.

I’ve always admired astronauts, with their ability to live for several months without going to the toilet. They put camels and llamas to shame. You wouldn’t see an astronaut going round with an unsightly hump on his back, yet they still get the job done.

That hunchback in Notre Dame feels the same way, I’m sure. Not that I’ve asked him. I really have no right to be putting words into people’s mouths, but on the other hand he can’t speak very well, and somebody has to act as interpreter. And since I have something to say, it may as well be me. So anyway, the hunchback of Notre Dame says “Hi”.

Personally I think the (now deceased) Australian guy who does that crocodile thing on the television, said it best when he said “Laugh not at those for whom the bell toll. It tolls for thee”. Well, I’d certainly go along with that. I’ve never found bells to be very funny at all. They just repeat the same old line over and over and over again, and we’re supposed to laugh every time.

It’s so repetitive. Anyway, two cats walk into a bar. One of them asks for a “Jesus is an asshole” cocktail, and promptly gets arrested for blasphemy. And quite rightly if you ask me. The other cat, on seeing his friend being dragged away in handcuffs, exclaims “Jesus Christ”, whereupon somebody taps him on the shoulder and whispers in the ear, “Yes, but if you don’t mind, it’s my day off and I’d rather not have the autograph hunters and things breathing down my neck. And if I have to do that loaves and fishes thing one more time, I swear to god I’ll kill myself, and not rise for at least five days. Besides, I still haven’t paid the fine for my last miracle, when I produced a couple of buckets of wine without the appropriate liquor licenses.

So the other cat replies, “Well, nice to meet you anyway. Can I buy you a damp spong- …oh..sorry. Didn’t mean to be insensitive”