Sháinne Greoige Scripts: – 2 of 2013: Newspapers 1

Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments. This time, Sháinne’s unique newspaper review.

Hello. I’m podcasting’s Sháinne Greoige with a look at today’s newspapers, to save you from having to read them online. 

We begin this morning with The Irish Catholic, which announces that it plans to rebrand as The Irish Catholics if the latest circulation figures, due out tomorrow, confirm it’s acquisition of a second reader. The Sunday Business Post reports that the European Union is planning to force governments to implement a blanket ban, meaning in future stores will only be able to sell duvets and under-sheets. It’s thought that the measure will reduce carbon emissions from the Magdelane laundries or something. 

Metro AM has the touching story of Hairy the cat, who came home after been missing for over twenty-five years only to find that his owners had been brutally murdered in their beds in the late nineteen-nineties. Police archeologists are carrying out a post-mortem on the bodies, which are believed to have been found in an advanced state of fossilisation. The ISPCA is quoted as saying that this is a timely reminder to check on your neighbours’ pets during the current extended cold snap. However, the newspaper goes on to assure readers that Hairy has been placed in the care of a foster family, and is doing fine.

The Irish Daily Mirror reports that the two tourists killed in a freak defrosting accident at the weekend have been named, and will be posthumously christened later in the month before being deported, while The Irish Times celebrates the fiftieth anniversary of it’s famous cryptic crossword with a front page edition of the popular puzzle, whose clues which, when solved, reveal the main news headlines of the day. 

Later editions of the Sky Sports News Channel (Print Edition) carry this morning’s announcement that gamesmanship is to become a fully fledged Olympics event, starting with the 2016 summer games. Meanwhile The Irish Daily Funday Sun alleges that Pope Francis has resorted to using blessed wine to remove his predecessor’s drool from the papal apartment. And The Irish Motorist devotes it’s entire front page to the caption “SPOILER ALERT”, with an explanation on page two that the publication has brokered a major sponsorship deal with DC Exhausts. 

Finally, the Farmers Journal leads with the news that farmers are being advised to pre-season and taste their cows before sending them for slaughter, to increase their chances of breeding a winning Masterchef dish.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that’s what the newspapers look like today, if you have them summarised and read to you by a seasoned newscaster with a first class honours degree in broadcast journalism from the university of life. Don’t forget to join me tonight for Shainne Greoige on Television, when I’ll be asking a panel of commentators whether media nasal-gazing is getting out of hand. That’s Sháinne Greoige on Television, tonight at 10pm on Radio One.

But for now, a very good evening to you.

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