Mostly from a short phase in the mid 2000s when I tried to inject some culture into the original, writings-heavy MatchstickCats.com and it’s motley crewe of contributors. Or was bored at work. Whatever works.
The Cat Lottery
Eleven cats of diff’ring sizes
Ran a lottery with prizes
Thereby breaching section twenty
Of the Gaming Act (1990)
Some were jailed, while others pleaded
Ignorance, and were believe-ed
“Cats are stupid, so it’s credible”
Said the judge, “that they’d be gullible”
That been said, they did get cautioned
Not to offer people fortunes
Scratch and sniff, but not on cards
Or else you’ll end up behind bars
Sojourn to Nibit
Every Monday afternoon without a deviation
I climb aboard an army tank and ride it to the station
On arrival I dismount and purchase me a ticket
Then off I go along the track to destination Nibit
Nibit is a city of which very little’s known
But for the last decade or so I have there weekly flown
It might be for the discount stores which sell cheap toiletries
More likely it’s because I like to go there to catch bees
Puppy on the roof
Once upon a slated roof
A tired puppy rested hoof
He sat atop the summit’s crest
And faced his weary eyes out west
He spied a gasworks, lit and smokey
“Gosh” he cried out “Be the hokey”
Up atop the gasworks chimney
Sat his second cousin Jimmy
“What you up to?” he did shout
And cousin Jimmy turned about
To find out who was calling him
And why they thought his name was Jim
“I’m sorry” Jimmy hollered back
You’ve confused me. My name’s Jack
The puppy did apologise
Something had clouded his eyes
“So what you up to anyway?”
To his new acquantance he did say
“I’m crapping down this warm gas pipe
About to give my ass a wipe
Any other questions, shithead?”
“No” said puppy, then he fled
And nothing further ‘twixt them said
Till the day when both were dead
The Seller
Central heating’s overrated
Said the salesman as he baited
Two new buyers for his fires
Electric ones – they’re powered by wires
Try these melons said the seller
Forcing them on Mrs. Weller
Two a pound, there’s nothing cheaper
Other’s prices are much steeper
Try some of this, the pusher whispered
It’ll really get you withered
Free this time, until you’re netted
No doubt you’ll have had them vetted
By a friend who knows these things
He’ll tell you that they’ll give you wings
He’ll look quite a bit like me
Except disguised with toiletries
He’ll entice you back to me
That’s when I can up my fee
Ah this job, it’s such a bliss
Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you this
Fungal Reflection
As I sit and ponder why
An ostrich ever tries to fly
I deviate and think of times
I’ve spent looking at railway lines
I’ve always wondered how they stay
So firmly parallel, no stray
They must be blessed, those engineers
With very powerful inner ears
To balance themeselves accuratly
Atop an overlooking tree
And peer down at their long day’s works
To make sure it aligns like forks
And while I ponder and I muse
Fact and fiction start to fuse
And I imagine tales of old
Of William Tell and legends bold
An apple hangs upon said tree
And underneath is little me
The engineer he shoots a bow
And over I do start to go
Falling far through open air
Until I wake up fine and fair
Amazed at how I dreamt so clear
The mushrooms are fantastic here
The Bet
Several years ago I met a gentleman who claimed
That any scheme to win a bet on horses was hair brained
I challenged him to wager on which foal would win the cup
And halfway through the race got interrupted by a pup
The dog ran out upon the track and made his presence felt
The organisers looked so hot it seemed like they might melt
One horse tripped over, then another, followed by the rest
It goes to show, I always say, that puppies are a pest
Nature’s Winter Tale
Beyond the dual glazing
Where dew water is hazing
Another world does exist
Animals busy themselves
Like merry little elves
Preparing themselves to exist
Through to Spring
Somewhere in the midst
A creature in dire straits
In vein flusterings to assemble it’s mid December nest
The wind is too strong
And she waited too long
Around and afar blow the straw and the leaf
What a life for a sparrow!
An extended Summer
A sojourn in South America
It became an Autumn
She forgot to go home
Until now
And the weather’s against her
“Oh fuck”, she says
I Wandered Lonely as a Wasp
I wandered lonely as a wasp
That floats on high o’er veils and hills
And gets spotted by a wasp hunter
Who lifts his gun, takes aim and kills
I strolled and pondered why we’re here
And clocked up several hours of thinking
Eventually my mind did clear
And into logic I did peer
Clear as a bell it all became
My doubts they did begin to wane
Just in case, I reconsidered
But clarity was still unhindered
It’s obvious it seemed to me
A lower species we must be
Otherwise why would we begat
Eight lives less than the humble cat?
Let no Man Ponder
Oh joy of joys
My life is better
The clouds have burst
I’m getting wetter
My time is now
The day has come
At least according
To my mum
Ten times the price
At half the cost
Who knows the hour
When we’ll be lost?
A gnat is born
Yet none has died
The miracle
At which we cried
Let no man ponder
What we seek
At least until
Tomorrow week
Let hats be worn
And cheeses bought
Insider jokes
Their meanings sought
Announce the world
A new time dawns
Make way, make way
You’re all the pawns
Make patchwork quilts
And eiderdowns
And celebration
Dressing gowns
Be merry, drunk
Don’t lapse your glee
‘least not until
You need a pee
Let it be known
The time is now
Or to be accurate
Ten seconds past, now
Don’t search a moral
This is a con
I made this up
It’s meaning – none
1851, Ireland, a cat
Into the west rode the brave young cat
Not one to balk at a crisis like that
On and on ran the brave little mite
Fearlessly fighting the potatoe blight
A hundred years later he lay undisturbed
In his grave, a death which left most unperturbed
For nobody knew or cared or remembered
How one little pussy’s life got dismembered
Mrs Proctor’s Prescription
Take twice daily, says the doctor
Handing them to Mrs. Proctor
Don’t forget to try a packet
Of these ones – they’re quite a racket
All the young ones swear by them
They make you feel more feminine
And frankly you could do with some
Unless you want to be a nun
The Count Perishes
I see a purple man on stair
Despite the overwhelming glare
He calls at me amidst the white
To please turn off the painful light
I turn and look and see and shudder
Hate and evil spill, I blubber
Apocalyptic is the scene
He drowns in brightness, his breath weans
Seconds pass, he’s disappeared
The whole vampire, and his beard
Immersed in whiteness, doomed to die
There but for his grace go I
Untitled Nursery Rhyme
Half past noon
Let’s go to the moon
And visit the pink baboon
He’ll welcome us soon
And lend us a spoon
And we’ll sample the cheddar moon
We’ll try out the cheddar
And it will taste bedder
Than anything we’ve ever seen
So we’ll gobble it all
And after we’ll fall
In love with the cheese on the moon
And if we’ve got room
After eating the moon
The baboon will make us some tea
He’ll be all smiles
Visible for miles
Then he’ll eat us
Black and White and Red all Over
Black and white and red all over
Let’s go roll around in clover
That’ll add a hint of green
Increasing chance of being seen
Black and white and green all over
Let’s insert a dog called “Rover”
That’ll up the cuteness factor
Nothing like a canine actor
Black and white and full of barking
Let’s provide some indoor parking
Nothing like conveniency
To get the patrons to the movie
Untitled (2012)
Composed while recording Show 602 of Into Your Head podcast – available here.
You won’t be hearing any more of that,
You might as well be listening to a cat,
On second thoughts this may seem repetitious,
But on second thoughts too, monkeys are delicious.
So don’t take too much notice of these so-called second thoughts,
More often than not they are the mere result of monkey nut poisoning,
Which also happens to affect the creative side of the human brain,
Particularly the region that deals with arranging written language into pleasant, poetic phrases.