13th Dec, 2004 – A MatchstickCats.com Editorial
It seems incomprehensible to any ordinary decent person, that parents would insist on forcing their children to eat their “greens” so that they’ll grow up big. For one thing, some of us don’t eat our vegetables and instead consume large quantities of chocolate and beer, yet have still managed to grow to a very substantial size.
But besides that, it’s been clear since the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, that we are going about this nutrition thing the wrong way. Vegetables, the evidence clearly shows, are the cause of some of the worst menaces the world has ever seen. Plant a couple of supposedly innocent beans in the ground, and next thing you know you have a child-eating maniac living at the top of a bean plant in your back garden. And that, we can be sure, is a recipe for disaster. Especially if your cat is sitting there when it starts to sprout.
A cat, when it starts to sprout, really is intolerable. It’s so embarassing trying to explain it to the vet, and besides, most of us don’t even like sprouts. We just eat them because it’s Christmas and you’re supposed to. We, the ordinary people, would far rather be eating a nice plate of melted cheese on toast, and maybe a beer or two to wash it down. It’s very important to wash your cheese down before you eat it. You don’t know what it’s been doing or where it’s been, and there’s no point in taking any chances now is there?
Unless of course you’ve just landed on the “go to jail” box. If that happens, you may as well take a chance card. There’s every possibility that you might get the one that says “Get out of jail free”. One of the writers here at Matchstick Cats much prefers draughts. He has always loved them, with their long necks and speckly coats. They really are the highlight of his trips to the zoo, now that he’s been banned from the wild cats section, after I disguised my he disguised his domestic cat in a lion’s costume to see try to get accepted into the community.
But it was all in the interests of science, and that cat is now the proud mother of three lion cubs who will replenish the zoo’s stock in years to come, when they run out of antelope meat.
You know, that damn butcher is always running out of things. Yesterday he was seen running out of the local bank after allegedly performing an armed robbery.
Luckily we mark all of our banknotes before we lodge our takings into the bank every day, and we were able to check through binocolulars* that none of the money with which he was running away, was the property of this website.
Anyway, two butchers walk out of a bank.
At that very moment, two black cats cross their paths, on their way to a bar. Unfortunately they are still some minutes away from the bar, so they won’t get there on time for a traditional “two cats walk into a bar” story at the end of today’s piece. Sorry about that. It turns out black cats don’t bring good luck if they cross your path in pairs.
The one exception to that, is if you are walking along two parallel paths simultaneously, with one foot on each path. But you have to make sure that each cat only crosses one of the paths. And that’s quite a difficult thing to achieve. Let’s be honest, the only way this is going to happen is if their starting point is between the two paths, and they both walk in opposite directions. And when, if ever, is that going to happen?
Exactly. People are so unrealistic about these things.
Especially holograms. Holograms are so out of touch with reality, Just yesterday a hologram asked one of our staff whether he could have cheese for breakfast. Clearly the fault lies with rushed software releases for the Christmas market, and just plain bad programming at Microsoft.
And that is why this site has recently been re-designed to be best viewed in Mozilla Firefox, rather than Internet Explorer.