Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.
I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news that
matters, and the matter that’s news.
A diversion remains in place on Duke Street, after six ATM users
formed an unnecessarily long queue, each standing thirty metres behind
the person in front, in an apparent attempt to avoid intimidating
them. Army experts have been called in attempt to attempt to infuse common
sense into the situation.
Local fuel stations have expressed concern about yesterday’s announcement by
retail giant Tesco, that it is to expand its online grocery service to
include home-delivery of petrol and other motor fuels. Speaking this
morning through what is assumed to be his mouth, local petrol station
owner Muddy McPippleton told Athy Weekly World News that the move
would cost him a fortune in lost revenue, as shoppers usually fill up
at his pumps before making the seventeen mile drive to the nearest
Tesco supermarket. Meanwhile, consumer interest groups have warned
that the development will inevitably lead to blah blah blah the usual
etcetera.
There’s been a further development regarding Athy’s historic canal
locks, which it recently emerged could not be secured against
interference by late night revellers, due to lack of funding. A
permanent art installation, in the form of a life-size and realistic
replica of a canal lock and gate, has been erected in the middle of a
roundabout two miles from the canal, on the new road linking the north
of the town to the N9 motorway. It’s believed that the development
amounts to Athy Weekly World News’ first ever entirely non-fictional
local news item. Union officials have expressed concern, saying
there’s already precious little work for local writers of
nonsense-humour in the current climate.
Finally, the future is bright this morning for Athy’s Model Railway
Exhibition, after town planners approved an application to rezone
hundreds of square miles of unused carpet space under the table,
enabling it to be put on the market for residential and commercial
use.
In Athy Weekly World Eyewitness Weather, it looks fine from where I’m
sitting, although I’m in a basement studio, so it could be raining
cats and dogs outside. Hopefully cute little ginger male cats who’ve
been fixed and have had all their vaccines.
I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that was Athy Weekly World News. Join me
tonight on television for a special edition of The Sháinne Show, in
which I’ll be turning the cameras on myself, due to ongoing industrial
action by broadcast technicians. But for now, a very good morning to
you.