Another original script from Sháinne Greoige’s Athy Weekly World News – an occasional segment from Into Your Head podcast.
I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is Athy Weekly World News. The news, the whole news and nothing but the news.
And lots more.
It’s been announced that two government-rescued banks are to pull out of Internet banking in Athy, with immediate effect. The cost-saving measure means customers in the town who attempt to access the websites of Permanent TSB and EBS, will instead be diverted to Lidl Ireland’s “Super Saturday Deals” page. The national bank regulatory body has advised anybody in Athy who still has savings to keep quiet about it and just export their account information to Paypal or something.
German discount retailer Aldi has denied allegations that it’s tinned sardines and mackeral suck monkeynuts, after a local podcaster’s wife reported that four out of six of her cats shunned it as a treat, even going so far as to scrape the floor beside the product in the internationally-recognised symbol for “This is faeces and I want to bury it”.
Now it’s time for our first look at tomorrow morning’s newspapers, starting with The Irish Times, whichleads with a report that newly-installed Pope Francis has shunned the traditional mass wine in favour of blackcurrent flavoured concentrated squash, in an attempt to reach out to younger Christians.
The Irish Examiner goes with the news that the government is secretly planning to tax oxygen, while the Irish Super Soaraway Saturday Sun devotes it’s entire front page to a spectacular photograph of the sun, in tribute to a young local photographer who is now blind.
Finally, the Irish Independent leads with a giant smudge, followed by an unprecedent front page editorial slamming what it calls “declining standards in the print industry”.
Business news now, and Athy Town Council has invited submissions of sponsorship proposals for the town’s new roundabout. It’s hoped that entrepreneurs will relish the opportunity to have their brands associated with the unique lanscaped junction at the North end of the town, which is believed to be the Hemisphere’s only counter-clockwise roundabout.a
Meanwhile, local councillers have expressed concern at the revelation that the towns’s long-awaited “relief road”, which was finally announced last year, will run along the western seaboard of the country, and only pass within a hundred and thirty miles of Athy town. Defending the proposals, planners have explained that the whole point of a “by-pass” road is to take the traffic as far away from the town centre as physically possible. Meanwhile, Athy Weekly World News can reveal that a much hyped “deep tunnel”, currently being constructed several thousand miles underground and with zero funding from the Irish government, is in fact being built by Australia.
Weather news now, and it’s going to be BISHERLY cold and wet this week, so don’t forget to bring a brolly, and wrap up well in a coat and hat and gloves and trousers and socks and shoes and aluminium foil, and don’t forget your lunchbox and some Strepsils. For up-to-the-minute weather reports for YOUR local road, please call the number on your iPod screen. Calls cost money. But then, so does cat food. Such is life.
Finally, it’s time for this year’s Athy Weekly World News with Sháinne Greoige Annual April Fool’s Day spoof story, in association with Athy Joke Shop. Local horse breeders are in crisis after the recent withdrawal of several contracts with major supermarkets. That’s according to a fictional statement by the town’s Chamber of Commerce, which, in a press release entitled “This Might Make a Good April Fool’s Story for You Shainne”, urged the town’s residents to “shop local”, saying the county’s horsemeat is among the best in Europe. And that was this year’s April Fool’s story, brought to you by Athy Joke Shop. Call in before April 2nd and get a free car when you spend fifteen euros or more on cheap plastic crap or fake vomit.
I’m Sháinne Greoige, and now you’re completely up to date, unless of course you’re listening to this belatedly on a podcast or something. Don’t forget to join me tonight on the “E3-Extra-Plus” channel for Sháinne’s Nine O’Clock News After-Party, when I’ll be getting VIP behind-the-scenes access to the REAL stories behind the main evening news programme. With Nicky from Westlife. But for now, a very good evening to you.