Author: Neal O Carroll

Another of Sháinne’s unique reviews of the papers, in this original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments.

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and this is my occasional look at what’s happening under the sheets of YOUR newspapers this morning. This bulletin is sponsored by Lidl. Visit your local discount supermarket next Wednesday or Thursday to claim your FREE trolley rental. Terms and conditions apply, and include a non-refundable €1 deposit. Theft will be frowned upon. Excludes Lidl stores.

The Sunday Business Post reports that Ireland’s Fire Service is to be privatized, as mandated by the conditions of the recent EU bailout. Meters will be installed at every home and business in the country by 2016. However, competitors will be allowed to enter the market, and customers will be able to access substantial discounts for purchasing firefighting services, water and home insurance from the same provider.

Celeb news now, and The Irish Independent says Professor Stephen Hawking is to become the first quadriplegic to experience independent belching, The renowned astro-physicist has been invited by Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic to spend an afternoon in a specially equipped training simulator. In the same newspaper, there’s a thirty-eight page pullout supplement about women or something.

Music magazine Hot Press leads with an editorial welcoming the decision to fill the two remaining vacant “X-Factor” mentor positions with retired High Court judges. Critics have slammed the move, pointing out that it’s their job to criticize everything, regardless of whether or not it makes sense. And The Herald marks the twentieth anniversary of Kurt Kobain’s death with a selection of digitally aged mug-shots of the Nirvana frontman, who apparently is still being sought by a fictional TV version of the FBI. My husband has been binge-watching “Criminal Minds”.

The Irish Times has announced an end to the practice of publishing “open letters” to public officials on matters of public interest. The newspaper points out that, contrary to common misconception, the two-pence discount on unsealed envelopes and postcards was abolished several years ago, and it sees no benefit for it’s contributors in continuing to waive their right to privacy.

Meanwhile Rupert Murdoch’s The Times of London has announced that it’s print edition is to be moved behind a paywall. Readers will be able to preview the content by reading the front page, which will be displayed on boards outside newsagents, but will have to purchase the newspaper if they want to read further. A “plus one” edition of each newspaper will also be available at a reduced rate, a day after initial publication.

I’m Sháinne Greoige Scripts: – 1 of 2014: Newspapers 3 Greoige, the voice of the newspapers. Don’t forget to join me tonight on The Food Network, for a brand new episode of Shainne’s Celebrity Chef Shootout. And in my column in tomorrow’s Woman’s Weekly I’ll reveal why nobody ever thought to name me Sháinne Gruaige.

But for now, a very good morning to you.

Notes for foreigners: “Gruaige” is Irish for “hair”. And “Lidl” is Irish for “This country has turned into a steaming sewer and I’m applying for a job with “Russia Today””.

Another of Sháinne’s inimitable newspaper reviews, in this original script from Sháinne Greoige’s occasional Into Your Head podcast segments.

Hello. I’m Sháinne Greoige with an eyewitness report on the content of this morning’s newspapers.

We begin with today’s edition of The Star, which reports that Dublin firefighters have been forced to issue an apology, after failing to attend the scene where a cat was stuck in a tree. The incident was given low priority because it was “not part of the fire brigade’s core activity”. However, it has since emerged that both the tree and the cat were on fire.
The ISPCA has declined to comment, saying that firefighters and cats are “a law unto themselves”. A spokesperson went on to say that this “does not count as a comment”, and that “Neither does this”. 

The Examiner’s front page headline reads “Abolish One-Way Streets or lose your bailout, screams EU Finance Chief“. There’s also a striking colour photo of a child building a sandcastle out of snow, with the caption “That’s it. That’s all the Summer you’re getting.”.

Meanwhile, the UK version of the Irish edition of The Times of London goes with “Public Water Supply to become Fully Isontonic by 2018”.

The Sunday Business Post has an in-depth interview with Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary, a week after the budget airline revealed plans to charge passengers a “transportation fee” for travelling on it’s aircraft. A characteristically outspoken O’Leary slams what he calls “Ryanair culture”, whereby people are happy to fork out their hard-earned cash to pay supplementary charges for sandwiches, in-flight-entertainment and extra luggage that isn’t even theirs, but balk at the prospect of paying just to travel somewhere on what he calls “magical flying horses and carriages which, in previous civilisations, would have been worshipped as gods”.

The Daily Mirror reveals that Irish boy band Westlife are to be split into five spinoff groups. Manager Louis Walsh hopes that the move, inspired by the reproductive system of the Amoeba, will spawn the growth of five fully-developed Westlifes.

The paper also reports that Pope Francis is about to publish his first encyclical, in which he will call for a return to traditional values of pounds, shillings and pence.

The Irish Independent, meanwhile, reports that bus drivers are once again threatening all-out strike action. This time the dispute revolves around an alleged “dirty tricks campaign” by public transport management. The union claims that rear-view mirrors are being surrepticiously replaced with hall-of-mirrors-style trick glass, in an attempt to erode drivers’ self-esteem.
The Minister for Transport has expressed “deep disappointment” at the state of the world in general. 

The Herald, (formerly the Evening Herald), has announced plans for “Herald +1”, making out-of-date editions of the newspaper available the following day at a reduced price. Journalists at the paper have slammed the move, branding it “a step backwards”.

In other newsprint industry news, today’s Irish Times leads with a front-page editorial about yesterdays Irish Times, which contained a scathing report alleging that there’s a culture of wastage and duplication of work at the Irish Times. The newspaper strenuously denies the charges. Meanwhile, free tabloid Metro AM has indicated that it intends to publish it’s entire newspaper on billboards every morning in high population areas. 

I’m Sháinne Greoige, and that’s what the newspapers would look like today, if you were to purchase an abridged audiobook edition of each one.

Don’t forget to join me tonight on television, for Sháinne Spouts, when I’ll be asking whether illegal drugs should be banned. But for now, a very good evening to you.