Circa 2005. Apparently from an “edgy” period.
I’ve recently come to realise that the cheapest option is not always the best. I learned this when I bought an inflatable deathbed, which I used during my recent illness. The rusty nails that were in my throat at the time apparently punctured the airbed, and as a result I am still alive. I blame shoddy workmanship. Nails should not go rusty in your throat, if your throat is dry.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I’ll leave out the bit that introduces all of the characters and paints a picture of their surroundings. Then I’ll send it to an editor and have them shorten it further. If that doesn’t work, I’ll break it into two parts, like Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill”.
I must say I enjoyed that film immensely. Mainly because there was plenty of yellow in it. I like yellow. Yellow summons up images of suns and flowers and dairy by-products and all sorts of wonderful things, but apart from that, the very word itself contains a wonderful contrast.
The two words “yell” and “low”, which of course are complete opposites. You cannot yell and be “low” at the same time, unless of course “low” refers to your physical location rather than the pitch of your voice.
For example, you could be yelling at the bottom of a canyon. Even then, though, you would have to be sure that the bottom of the canyon is below sea level. Otherwise you’re not low. And how on earth are you going to be able to measure your position relative to sea level, when something that you yelled three minutes ago is still echoing off the canyon walls and distracting you?
Canyons of course themselves contain a similar contradiction.
You clearly cannot be “cany” and “on” at the same time. If you do, you’ll do yourself an injury, end up attempting to sue me for some vague thing that your dodgy lawyer comes up with, and get laughed out of court. And it serves you right. If you want a quick buck, you should get yourself a more legitimate source, like a pyramid scheme or something.
There are still countless pyramids in Egypt waiting for a sponsor, and instead of supporting them with a clever and intricate system of chain e-mails, you are wasting your time trying to pursue a canyon-related writ that stands no chance of success.
You fucking idiot.
Besides, the only thing of any value that has ever happened in a canyon has involved the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote, both of whom are fictional characters and therefore of no meaning in our real world. And even if they were not fictional, they would still be two-dimensional, so they could hide from you instantly just by standing at a 180 degree angle from you, rendering them invisible.
Not that an added dimension would be likely to make these creations any more credible. The only way of adding a dimension to a cartoon character is to turn it into a puppet, and then we’re talking about some guy’s hand up your ass. The only person who could put his hand up your ass with any credibility was the late Jim Henson. And he’s dead. Although I’m sure his son could re-animate him with the help of a few strings and a suitable stuffing.
Personally I think Christopher Reeve said it best, when he said “The Muppets were cool. I watch Pigs in Space and I think, some day that will be me. As soon as I recover from this damn horse-riding injury. I’m going to make another Superman movie too, you know. Just give me another few months and I’ll untangle all these nerve-endings with my Swiss army knife. Did you know I was in the Swiss army? Neither did I, but I must have been, because I seem to have one of their knives.
I wonder did I suffer some memory loss too? I asked the doctor but I can’t recall what he told me. Anyway, another few months and I’ll be right as rain.”